Was It

THE MISUNDERSTOOD MOTHER.

Sometimes my patience needs to be refueled so I can cool.

Sometimes I need to get my hair done.

Would that be alright?

Sometimes I need a 20 minute joy ride so I don't feel fried.

Sometimes I need to go to a movie, with a friend.

Do you understand?

Sometimes I just need a 10 minute shower, so I don't feel like such a coward.

Sometimes I still need to cry.

Sometimes I just need a day to sleep in so that I can feel like I got paid.

Do you hear?

Sometimes I just need complete silence for 5 minutes out of my day.

Sometimes I wouldn't mind an empty house to myself, just for a few hours,

So that I can catch a breath.

You know?

Sometimes I wouldn't mind hearing you say that I deserve a little something in return.

Sometimes I do.

Just sometime.

Please understand.

CROOKED

The wind blows, so I will blow.

The sun shines, so I will shine.

The river flows, so I will flow.

The rose vines climb, so I will climb.

Everything walks on a different line.

So I will walk my crooked line.

A Mini Thankful Story.

About 6 months ago, while I was pregnant with my second child. I was driving home from work around mid-night and I made the wrong turn somehow. I was driving down the wrong road for about five minutes or so and realized "oh crap, I need to turn around." I was flustered and anxiety was going up and up. I can't see that well at night and it was a dark road. I went to turn around in this cul-de-sac with houses on my right and train tracks with a wooded area in a field across from the homes. As I was turning my lights shinned on this group of dear! 3 baby dear, two females and two males! I sat in my car watching them for a good ten minutes or so. I felt so lucky to have gotten lost that night, I mean how many people see that in their lifetime. It was so calming to watch and felt I was in the right place at the right time. The dear were just grazing, the two female next to the babies and the two male seemed to be on look out, standing a few feet in front of the other deer. When I left my anxiety was at a minimum and I drove home smoothly. What if I didn't turn there and my anxiety was still running high on my way home when I couldn't see very well on an unknown, dark road? I look back at these moments where it seems like nothing at the time, but then you think about it later and it was a great moment, a very blessed moment. God knew what I needed before I did.

i cantI was just thinking about 6 months ago while I was pregnant with Wyn I was driving home from work one night and I made the wrong turn somehow. I was driving down the wrong road for about five minutes or so and realized oh crap I need to turn around. I was flustered and anxiety was going up and up because I can't see that well at night and it was a dark road. I went to turn around in this cul-de-sac with houses on my right and train tracks with a wooded area and a field across from the homes, as I was turning my lights shinned on this group of dear! 3 baby dear, two females and two males! I sat in my car watching them for a good ten minutes or so. I felt so lucky to have turned on that specific road. How many people ever get to witness something like that? It was a great moment, a very blessed moment. God knew what I needed even when I didn't.

I CANT IMAGINE.

"Why are you saying this doctor?"

I don't understand what am I saying?

"Well your telling me my son needs to see a specialist and be may need surgery at a year old? Something serious is going on but you're not telling me."

Well Miss Wood if I were to be completely honest with you, you may be very upset before we know 100%.

"Well doctor I'm just going to look the symptoms up online when I get home or you can tell me the truth now."

All right Miss Wood but you must not fall apart or think the worst yet...

"Spit it out doctor"

Miss Wood, hour son may have lymphoma, but its very rare for a child this young to have this cancer, but none of the basic tests are coming up with anything.

Tears started building up in her eyes as soon as I started to speak. I knew the surgery was going to most likely come back positive, but I couldn't tell her that. Her hands and feet were worn, I could tell she was a hard working woman. But her face, her face was so pure, so beautiful I felt like I just shattered the heart of the best kind of mother.

In a shaky, scared voice "but doctor he can survive this, right? I mean if he does have it."

The little boy looked up at me with his big blue eyes and pale face as if he knew too. As a doctor I shouldn't cry, I can't cry I need to be strong for the patient, for this mother.

"Of course", I said.

She left my office holding her young boy close to her face and said to him, "let's go home and we can play outside." I knew that she knew she had to be strong for him, that she had to hold back the tears. 3 months later he had the surgery, I did the surgery. The results came back, I was hoping I was wrong, but I knew I wasn't.

Hi Miss Wood, hey tough guy. I said. I gave him a sticker and rubbed his head. Miss Wood I'm sorry to inform you but based on the lymph node we extracted the test results came back positive for lymphoma. Her chin started crinkling and tears rolled down her eyes as she was just staring at her little boy.She wiped her tears looked up at me with dead eyes " what are we going to do from here?" I don't know what was happening to me, I never felt this much for a patient before, but I knew this was the first time I found lymphoma in a child this young. Well Miss Wood we are going to start with radiation therapy. It's not as harsh as chemo. But it still won't be easy. "Doctor, what are the chances it will work?" I didn't want to answer her question. I paused too long because she started sobbing. Miss Wood I'll be there to help and if you believe in God I would pray, but he has a 20% chance, its not 1%, just stay positive. "Do you have children doctor?" No I don't, but I have a wonderful mother and can't imagine how hard this is for you, but this will be hard on your boy, so you gotta be strong for him. Take him outside a lot. So he can clear the lymph nodes naturally too. She wiped her tears and said, "I will be strong for him." Miss Wood your son will have to stay at a children's hospital, I would start a donation so you can take off work and be with him while he's sick. I'm not suppose to do this as your doctor but I'll be happy to donate what I can. Just dont tell anyone. With a smirk on my face I tried to lighten the mood, I think it worked a little. "OK doctor, thank you so much." She left and spent the last week at home with him, the last week he would ever be just at home. He fought a good five and a half years. Five years with this little boy and his mother. This mother didn't have anyone besides her son. 6 months later after her son died she ended her own life. A bond between a mother and son is so strong. I couldn't help but feel guilty, why couldn't I ask her on a date and give her someone else in her life? She was at the hospital with him everyday, slept with him every night, read books to him everyday, took him on walks everyday, took him to play at the park everyday that he had energy. She was a great mother. That little boy was a great son. He gave her kisses and hugs and said I love you every day. In his final week he said, "mommy I don't want to die, I'm going to miss you. Who's going to read to me and take me on walks? And she would say "daddy will read to you and take you on walks. He's up in heaven too you know. I know you don't remember him, but you'll get to meet him and you'll love him so much because he loves you so much too. But hunny I'm going to use all of my power to make you stay with me, and I have a lot of power." she said as a smile came over her face.

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